If only I had listened to my body's first screams for help.
Those symptoms didn't return, but more severe ones did. According to medical professionals, both of my chronic conditions have no known cause, but are equally aggravated by stress. In the years leading up to my diagnoses I experienced some of the most stressful times of my life. I was not surprised when I found myself admitted to the hospital in June 2009; I knew there was only so much my body could withstand.
Now that this ostrich is slowly raising her head from the ground, I'm coming to realize that this is a skill I may have forgotten. The result: Last Thursday I experienced the beginnings of another panic attack. I told my husband what I was feeling and talked through why I thought it was happening. We took the day very slowly. We're currently living through that terrifying part of life that older couples look back on and say, "Lord only knows how we survived," while laughing with the grand kids who don't believe life will ever be so difficult for them and who swear that their grandparents are exaggerating just to ensure they appreciate all that they have.
Friday we went to the beach with the family. This was a great escape from my norm with ups and downs of its own. Up: hanging out with a two year old who just wanted to play with sand and watch some Sesame Street on my iPhone. Down: not feeling confident enough to go in the water or walk alone back to our blanket because of my lack of vision. On the weekend, I was distracted by San Diego ComicCon news, which I welcomed, watched and wrote about, using it as a fantastical get away from my norm. And then my brother, another welcomed distraction, came to stay over on Monday.
Yesterday, the panic welled again.
I'm going to get through this. I've gotten through so much worse than what I'm dealing with now. I just have to remember to be strong, but also be forgiving of myself. Feeling stress is normal, avoiding it is not... I must deal.
In the meantime, I think it probably goes without saying that this has greatly affected my writing output, even though I am involved in the fabulous Fast Draft workshop! Here's the rundown of pages written since last week's update:
Day 6 (Thurs): 0 pages
Day 7 (Fri): 0 pages
Day 8 (Sat): 6 pages
Day 9 (Sun); 0 pages
Day 10 (Mon): 0 pages
Day 11 (Tues): 0 pages
Day 12 (today, so far...): 10 pages
Any words I did spill forth in this time, fell onto the pages of the Word of the Nerd website in the form of these three articles: