Friday, April 19, 2013

Life With IIH - Inconsistently Consistent

What is IIH?
IIH in a nutshell. (source)
Last night was a nightmare. Familiar, of course, but a nightmare all the same. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't see straight, and my head was, in general, uncooperative.Why? you may wonder. The best answer I can come up with is this: This is the frustration of one of my chronic diseases.

If you are unfamiliar with this - and, honestly, I really do wish you are - simply put when you have a chronic disease the best you can hope for is a life that is inconsistently consistent. What I mean by that is this: I don't know when my symptoms will strike (inconsistent), but, unfortunately, I know they will (consistent).  My familiar nightmare.

The worst part about last night was that yesterday was one of those days that I forgot about my conditions. I lived yesterday as close to normal as I have reached in a long while: I woke up relatively early (about 9 am), I wrote a quick post for Rivera Runs Through It, I spoke to my best friend on the phone for two hours, made myself lunch, spent about ten minutes outside with my rooster friend (I haven't written about him, yet have I? Well, here's an old rooster video!), I wrote up a post for StoryDam, I wrote my own post for the A to Z Challenge, I cooked dinner (the challenges began... weakness set in, confusion grew), I found out about HitRecord (more about this later, I hope!), I participated in the StoryDam chat... and then that's when it slammed me, during the chat.

At around 8:30pm last night everything slowed down. The slight tremble of the floor created by my husband walking around felt like an earthquake. My dog's panting for my attention was thunderous. The words on my screen started dancing. I forced my way through the end of the chat, because, like I said, it was one of those days when I forgot how bad it can get. I fooled myself into believing that I am healthy.

And you know what? As bad as last night was. I don't regret it for a minute. If I don't steal those chances to live in the dream, then the rest of my days will be nightmares. I slept until 1pm today - my dog woke me up and I swore it was still morning. I stayed in bed until almost two. I had to. I don't have a headache right now, but it is still spinning. It's not a great feeling right now, but it is familiar. I'm happy my husband isn't home right now, because trying to focus outside myself, on someone else's words, expressions, needs or desires right now is one of those things I can not do. I can hear the words spinning around in my own brain and I can spill them out here in an attempt to empty the insanity into the world to give me peace.

It's that, or sleep.

But I have things to do. I have dreams to live so the nightmares lose their power.
Thanks for reading!

1 comment:

  1. I know what you are going through! I have this condition too! come visit